Melody of Mudd

Photo

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 17:17:12 +0100

For anyone else who loved the avengers but didn’t see this

Fri, 01 Jun 2012 13:49:00 +0100

For anyone else who loved the avengers but didn’t see this

Wisdom of the Khajiit

Thu, 10 May 2012 02:39:51 +0100

“Life is short. If you have not made love recently, please, put down this book, and take care of that with all haste. Find a wanton lass or a frisky lad, or several, in whatever combination your wise loins direct, and do not under any circumstances play hard to get. Our struggle against the colossal forces of oppression can wait.”

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 20:30:54 +0100

“A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.”
— Lazarus Long

Yeah...

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 01:34:11 +0100

So, I’m pretty sure noone actually reads these essays/rants I post by now, but if you’re part of the silent minority that do, welcome to the ‘Chris furious at a person in his life who everyone is telling him to ignore but he can’t because she used to tell him she cared about him and has now thrown that in his face’ rant. But since CFAaPiHLWEiTHtIBhCBSUtTHSCAHaHNTTiHF isn’t the easiest acronym to work with I’m gonna call this the ”Fuck you Anna Blackheart, and your disingenuous yet spinless actions” rant, which I feel is blunter and at this point I’m about as wrathful as I can get without losing it, and I don’t talk much when that happens, or at all.

So yeah, story time.

Well, me and Anna go back about 3/4 years now, having met through her trying to intimidate me because of an argument I had been in with one of her friends at the time. Dunno whether it was the fact I actually made a decent argument, or whether she liked having someone who didn’t back down as much as she did, but we ended up chatting a few weeks later, and by two months after meeting we’d become something like proper friends, though her inability to ever change her stance on anything and a constant superiority ‘thing’ stopped me from liking her all that much, at least at first.

Still, despite how she acted towards me, I was, as far as I could gather, the one person who would put up with her crap the most, and the only one who consistently defended her from other people, no matter who that might be and how it might affect me. Because of that, we came to view each other as very close friends, though what i got out of that deal apart from a pretty consistent weight on my ability to chat with my other friends I really can’t put my finger on right now.

So yeah, that continued for a while, and even if other people didn’t quite come to like her they came to accept her, mostly through knowing that I wouldn’t stand for any other reaction.

And then I came to university.

I’ll say right off the bat, I love it at university. The people, living away from family and having that freedom, everything. But when I’m up home I still try and keep contact with as many of my friends up there as I can. Of course I can’t see everyone everytime. That would be silly, I don’t visit often and when I do it’s not for that long. Obvious, I would have thought.

Yeah…

I guess most of you can see what happened next.

So, after committing the heinous crime of not seeing her on one of my visits up north she stopped talking to me. And I mean stopped, suddenly, without warning or, I feel, giving me a chance to explain myself. And at that I left it. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but the way she acted pissed me off, and I was sick of patching things up by myself, so I left it. And that’s where it should really have ended. I know that, my family knows that, my friends are just a little too happy to keep telling me that. But no, I’m me, so i keep hoping I can patch things up. Until recently.

Anyone who knows me and hasn’t heard, I was in a head on car crash a week ago from which I walked away essentially unscathed. Now, despite the laundry list of mental issues I have, this accident didn’t affect me all that much and I’ve mostly put it behind me now. But just today, I got a letter from her. I was genuinely a little perked up by it thinking that maybe something good would come from it and, even if I didn’t expect an apology, I hoped we could try again.

Oh my of my how wrong I was.

In my entire life I’ve really lost my temper, i mean really, about twice, and both times led to serious damage to someone and/or something. In this case I didn’t, but I came about 5 seconds from crushing at least one piece of technology that was rather close to hand at the time (Sorry btw, monitor). From the word go all she was focused on was the accident. Not worried if I was ok, not making sure I was coping with the trauma, mental/physical/emotional whatever, oh no. I got scolded, I shit you not, for ”not having been careful enough” and not ”telling her straight away”. The rest of it read the same, and I actually had to stop and go back to it after a brief break about half way through, sheerly through complete disgust at how she’d written it.

So yeah, lesson to anyone who read that, if you genuinely want to make up a friendship with a domineering, sociopath with minimal social graces and a penchant for ignorant comments, you’re wrong. I still don’t really know how to respond to this letter.

I could genuinely use some advice about this, guys and gals.

Cause it cheered me up

Sat, 28 Apr 2012 10:43:29 +0100

Cause it cheered me up

So, yeah, I was wandering the internet, as I do when I have...

Thu, 26 Apr 2012 20:17:10 +0100

So, yeah, I was wandering the internet, as I do when I have nothing better to do (Essays, what essays?), when I came across this photo/meme/joke thing. So yeah, I laughed, nodded a little, then went and browsed through a few other images, waiting for something else to come up to entertain me, when something in my mind went ‘wait a second’.

I went back to the image, had another look at them, and slowly had a flashback to when I used to have issues with my self image (Ok, more when I used to get more openly upset by it) and my mum, who used to work as a model when she was younger (seriously, that was not a good basis for a childhood), made me look at other people and explain what would be ‘wrong’ with them. But yeah, I’ll get to that in just a second. First things first, I’ve got a challenge I wanna put to you. Want you to tab out of this window and go to google images, make sure you’ve turned your safe-search filter back on *ahem* and search for a couple of pictures of a couple of celebrities you can think of, for preference ones you know are seen as ‘attractive’ and get a few pictures side by side. I’ll wait.

Back? Good good, now, look at those pictures. See the similarities between them, the facial features or bodily features that we all accept as ‘beautiful’ or ‘cute’ now? Sure, there are a few we are consciously aware of, like the insane obsession with the female breast size or male musculature but you’ll find alot of other things we don’t really think about that are similar; the shape of the nose, the proportion of the face, etc, etc, et bloody c.

So you can probably see where I’m going with this argument, the whole ‘we are all beautiful’ line, and I do agree with that. The majority of someones beauty comes from their confidence (I’ll do a rant on that some day) and poise (Seriously, some day), but lets be brutally honest. When it comes to physical attractiveness we have internal lists we compare the people we meet to. These lists are personal, we can’t compare them and say one person is right and one person is wrong, and yet we do. So why do we? We are all aware that we have our own tastes, we can’t help but know it, or we’d never understand how anyone but the people we found ‘attractive’ got into relationships.

Here’s the long and short of it; we have two lists. The first of these lists is the one I explained above, our personal preferences of people, if we like long or short hair etc. But then we have a second list, one that supersedes our own view, not only of other people, but of ourself; ‘cosmetic beauty’. Where do you think the preference for heavy make-up amoung people trying to be ‘popular’ comes from? Yeah. Photoshop doesn’t translate well to the physical world but sometimes people are gonna try and emulate something however impossible it may seem.

So yeah, back to the story I started earlier (Yeah I know, I’m not all that focussed). When my mum made me look at random pictures of people, she made me look at different features. Noses, hair, eyes, made me realise that it wasn’t anything specific that were marking them as attractive. In the end, what’s making most people ‘attractive’ to the public is that we are told they’re attractive. Even people who say they aren’t attractive these days aren’t ‘ugly’ in any sense of the word that we who’ve been pushed out for our appearance would accept; they’re just trying to come across as humble nine times in ten and as a public we accept it because, compared to the self-obsessed people we see in the media from day to day, it seems so much more ‘human’.

So yeah, introspection, flashbacks etc etc. Why’d I feel a need to share this? Well, when I went out for some shopping today, I was still thinking about some of this, and it drew attention to something that I’ve always closely linked to my self image issues; my alopecia. So yeah, it’s been flaring up recently cause of my accident (See crash photo below) and I started wondering. Why do I try and hide it, why do I bother trying to make it less obvious. I know I’m not fooling anyone, heck I go out clubbing alot, between the strobe lighting and my inability to see around my entire head people are going to see these patches. Are they gonna judge me by them? Maybe, though I really wish they wouldn’t. Will it turn potentially interested girls and guys away from talking and even (I wish) flirting with me, probably. But that’s hardly what’s important about it. No, what I’m doing when I get so bothered about hiding it is saying that I’m more bothered about what society in general thinks of how I look than how I think I look. At the end of the day, people who really think, really believe, that because some of my hair is gone I’m unattractive, they are the people who I could really do with not getting to know. And I’m not the only one I know who has issues with them. Some of you reading this will have had issue with people before, and to you I give this small piece of advice, guy to person; stop. Just stop for a moment, pause, take stock. Our society these days is hurtling forward so fast that even without ever pausing to think about it we can struggle to keep up. Fashion, celebrity and technology are changing every day, but we only change with them when we choose to. It’s just that our default choice in this day and age is to go along with it. Don’t. There’s my challenge to you.

So yeah, since I just wrote however many words on it, I feel I should share what I look for, what guys like me are looking for in a partner. I dunno, maybe I’d feel I was just lying and I really do just look for the size of a girls chest or how big a guys arm goes when he flexes (In order, meh can take it or leave it, and please remove your overdeveloped shoulder from my fething face). Nope, my personal preference tends to lean towards the petite, dyed hair (Dunno, don’t ask) and big eyes. So yeah, the manga look. But I’ve never dated anyone who looked like that (No really, well, maybe once, but since we did NOT have a good relationship or a good break-up/post-break-up friendship I don’t think about it). Why? Well, because I have no confidence, because I’m looking at people and I choose not to go talk to them, so I end up in relationships I didn’t want to be in, ones in which only the other party feels an attraction whether physical or emotional (Again, I’ll rant on that later). So I’m passive when it comes to relationships. And I’ve come to realise that that’s the worst way I can ever approach things. It’s the worst way any of us can. Confidence in ourself, that’s what so many of us lack, but we don’t have any real reason to. No really, we don’t. Try it.

P.S. Yeah, completely off topic, but seriously, who spells ‘realise’ with a ‘z’? Gah

Well, that could have gone better

Sat, 21 Apr 2012 22:05:52 +0100

Well, that could have gone better

No, it hasn’t been a great day

Thu, 29 Mar 2012 16:52:59 +0100

No, it hasn’t been a great day

Photo

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 16:42:56 +0100

I’m assured there’s a cooker/sink in there...

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:55:17 +0100

I’m assured there’s a cooker/sink in there somewhere

Seriously guys, this is just unreasonable.

Tarot

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 23:36:28 +0100

Sometimes my Tarot deck gives me the most useless readings, though, if I’m honest, it’s perfectly solid advice. But it’s like being told it by a friend. I know I should be doing it, know their right, but a bit of false reassurance wouldn’t hurt now and again

Man I can’t imaginewhy I’ve been single so...

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 19:57:35 +0100

Man I can’t imaginewhy I’ve been single so long.

(Yeah, I know it’s mostly a matter of confidence and all that but it would be nice to have peoplechooseto talk to me occasionally, traditional gender roles be damned)

Music

Sun, 25 Mar 2012 18:59:15 +0100

Boy do I miss being in a band. But yeah, getting to that in a bit.

I’ve always defined myself a bit by my music, guess it’s become part of me considering I started so young. Singing and Viola was where I started. Both my parents sing and my dad plays viola, my mum violin, so music was always something I was encouraged to pursue, though there was a point past which my dad has a wonderful way of saying ”I don’t believe in you”.

As the years went past I’ve turned my hand to a few different instruments. Viola, violin, saxophone, piano, drums, guitar, ocarina (I know). But my first instrument has always been singing and for as long as I really remember clearly I’ve been writing songs, about my friends, about me, about girls (and guys) that I like, about how no-one seems to really make an effort, about light falling on books once (That was a good day). But at the end I always come back to romance, maybe because there’s never been any in my life really. They segue between bitter, bitter-sweet and hopeful, but I think the only real connection one can make between all my music is that no-one really hears it. Let me explain.

I’ve been performing since I was 5/6, singing, dance, music, drama; it’s all been tried. But whenever it came to performing my own work I would always seize up, always start making mistakes. The only time I’ve performed to my best has been as part of a band, with people behind me who I trust with my back, to keep me going and take some heat off me if I need it. But we never did my stuff, I never had the assertiveness to push it forward. But of course, we did other people’s stuff, so I got alot of time writing music for them, correcting lyrics, adding backing vocals and getting irritable when they mis-sung so, you know, the usual.

Guess I’m just nostalgic, but anyone got any suggestions for gathering musicians for a band or eve just a jam in a university without a music department. Been too long since I had a chance to just to play something with other people who enjoy it.

Because the world doesn't have an 'ask box'

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 21:57:45 +0000

Chokers

Wearable by men, yes/no?

I know your pain, it is mainly what is your style. I can manage because I am in Kodona style to slowly gain a wardrobe I like while still having male clothes.

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 21:26:57 +0000

I quite like the old stuff, so all the X-punk styles, but never had the money or time to hunt it down and/or make it.

Fashion

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 21:20:51 +0000

I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but every time I start looking at new clothes to buy, I’m always a little envious of women, with your choices and people actually trying to make something attractive for ya’s. So much of male fashion is exactly the same, and it’s either branded, which I avoid, or bland as hell.

Bah. BAH I SAY.

xpeoplexofxthexworldx: the night is our salvation.

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:41:42 +0000

xpeoplexofxthexworldx:

the night is our salvation.

crowsight: Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Two Spirits walk...

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:35:05 +0000

crowsight:

Stop me if you’ve heard this one: Two Spirits walk into a bar …

dumbledore: slytherin wins the house cup.

Sat, 24 Mar 2012 20:27:39 +0000

dumbledore: slytherin wins the house cup.
slytherin: WOO! VICTORY!
dumbledore: haha wait I forgot, 100 points to harry potter for breathing.